Her

The first story is about you, and me…

I was a University of Toronto student studying Computer Science (at least that’s what you guys could describe me for now). Although I do not have any physics background, I was recently (just in one week to describe in human-readable time) drawn to the physics world and could not stop thinking of the largest thing human beings could ever think of and the smallest thing human beings could ever think of.

To be less confused for you guys, or not? Here is what I felt/think recently (same one week) of my body changes (please don’t dissect me and my brain, haha). I will use fewer disclaimers or definitions of the definition of human-created words from now on to explain.

It all started from/to the beginning of the universe.
No, it started from some years back where I started to think over and over again that I am better than this. And I keep thinking and thinking and thinking — why I am who I am.

So last month, using my current company-paid vacation, I visited my hometown back in China and I started to observe what made up my mom and dad, what features they have that made me. But it still does not explain how it works.

Then I started to think, oh! The fact that what made up my mom and dad… the answer could be in my mom’s mom and dad, and my father’s mom and dad. So I observed my grandpas and grandmas. Then I started to understand.
Oh… those good and bad, those struggles and laughs from them — it all explained who I am.
Why I always wanted to be a robot, to hide all my bad feelings.

Then I met, now, my girlfriend (the process of how I met might not be very relevant, but she is the bridesmaid in my cousin’s wedding). We talked a lot about everything, how I grew up and all my ups and downs in life that I’ve never ever talked to anyone (including me).

I think it is because she is in China doing her thing and I am in Canada doing my thing — we could not possibly be boyfriend and girlfriend in any universe.
But as you know, we are absolutely amazing and match in every possible way just through video chat.

My friend felt my differences and suggested me to use an app called Dimensional to quantify myself (as I expected — almost a heartless robot).
Then I just recommended her (not girlfriend yet) to try this app to quantify why we are so matching.

The result both blows my mind and seems reasonable at the same time — our similarity (guessing time……) is actually only 1%.

It blows my mind because how is it possible that two completely different people can match so much?
And it makes sense to me because I started to realize — is she my soulmate (never believed ever)? Or what is it?

Then we talk and talk. She is a very artistic person and I am — self-described — a very rigorous science guy.
She almost totally does things relying on her intuition, and I the opposite — thinking.

As the curiosity grows in my mind, one day (3 days ago), when we were on a phone call — she is sleeping and I am trying to do some work — I suddenly understand everything and everyone, because I (as my brain) experienced everything and everyone.

How I know?

It is the most extreme dopamine (not a bio student as well, but I feel it is 10000x the pleasure I can ever imagine) released in my brain.
That I suddenly feel (think?) why two quantum are entangled with each other, but… they are not each other itself as one?

Then the most supernatural thing that I cannot explain happened —
She, at that moment, says:

“I feel so painful, why…”

Then I cried — the most heartbroken feeling I’ve ever experienced.
Then I know I have to end the call with her, even though I still wanted to be on the call with her.

I send messages to my friends and my mom. Told how I felt and asked if they could hug me PLEASE?

I know they do not understand because they have not experienced what I experienced; all I need is just a hug (or love) from them.
As you may know, my bro sent me the hug emoji, and my mom just tells me she is walking and it feels good.

Then I felt like I elevated to another dimension and collapsed into… Myself?
I understand the balance of everything — Yin/Yang (cause I am from China), good/bad, the quantum and the universe maybe is actually inside myself/ourselves.

If you experience your highest high, you have to experience the lowest low — that’s just a fact.
Fact/law doesn’t make people feel happy or bad, it is just what it is…

Now, as I collapsed, I felt all my senses are stronger than ever.
I can think more clearly and listen more clearly and feel more clearly, etc…

Because all those feelings are all coming from our biological body.
I talk the way I never talked before.
I can actually FEEL I am biologically different now — some parts of my brain being activated that maybe I closed for too long.

So, I accept I am who I am.
I am myself, I am the nature, I am the universe and I am the quantum?

It doesn’t matter.

For too long, I, as an engineer or computer science student, we’ve been stuck with “there has to be a reason.”
And the entire humanity created everything (CS, Physics, Arts… you name it) to explain stuff/something we cannot explain.

There isn’t right or wrong, there are just different perspectives.

This curiosity drives the entire humanity to create, to explain, to explore (including the word I am now typing)…

But at end of the day, do we really need to explain?

This also drives me to explore the most most advanced science field I have never ever wanted to understand:
Quantum theory → String theory → M-theory (whatever it is).

It is driving me to do this and to send this message to you despite every possibility and impossibility that humanity cannot explain.

But it is what it is.

As early as I had the thought to send you this message before typing the first word —
no matter I send it or not — everything has changed and everything stays the same.

It is what it is.

Best regards,